Make Peace With Food

I know what you're thinking (about me)... or do I?

2012-02-14T11:58:00.000-08:00

Recently, I visited my friend Bethany, who just brought home a new puppy. The puppy sniffed my shoes when I came inside, and began to bark.

Bethany used a silly voice, talking as the dog. “Who’s this? Who are you? Friend or a foe?”

Bethany is a Shakespearean-trained actress - apparently the puppy was also a fan of the Bard. I leaned down and scratched the puppy’s head.

“Oh, I like that,” said Bethany, still speaking in the puppy voice. “A little to the left.”

The puppy blinked soft brown eyes. I shook my head, laughing. “I know what you’re thinking,” I said to the dog. “You’re thinking, ‘My owner is a crazy woman.’”

Bethany picked up her puppy and nuzzled it. “I am crazy. Crazy about you.”

My friend and I were reading the dog’s mind. In this case, our mindreading was innocuous and humorous. Often, however, people imagine they know what others are thinking, and they are thinking the worst, as in the following examples

Arturo lay on the couch in my office, telling me about his weekend. He saw a couple of movies and spent time with his girlfriend. I listened, but said nothing. He sighed. "You're right, I should have done some work this weekend. I can’t believe how lazy I am."

Corinne wept in frustration as she described a recent problem at work. She blew her nose and shook her head, apologetically. "You probably think I'm such a crybaby."

My friend Kellie and I had dinner recently, and she ordered dessert. She gave me a sheepish look. "I know what you're thinking. I have no business eating tiramisu."

Each person in these examples projected his or her own critical thoughts about themselves, into me, and then felt guilty or ashamed. Arturo’s father always accused him of being a slacker, and he had internalized that view of himself. He thought I was viewing him through his father’s eyes. Corinne grew up in a family that did not tolerate emotions or tears, which were viewed as signs of weakness. She imagined that I was viewing her tears contemptuously. Kellie’s mother constantly monitored her weight, and Kellie thought I was doing so, too.

What do you think others are thinking about you? Are they critical? Kind? Indifferent? Angry?

Who viewed you that way in the past? How have you identified with them?

What is another way to view yourself and the situation? For example, “It’s important to relax over the weekend and recharge your batteries” or “it’s healthy to cry if you’re upset” or “it’s okay to eat dessert, or anything, in moderation.”

Mind reading leads to feeling bad, which can lead to disordered eating. When you stop thinking the worst of yourself, you will likely no longer fear that others are thinking the worst of you, and will not turn to, or from, food, to soothe, distract, or numb yourself.

Body Language

2012-01-22T11:06:00.000-08:00

BODY LANGUAGE

Sometimes the way we talk gives expression to emotional conflicts. Language may substitute physical pain for emotional. Sometimes it’s too upsetting to recognize that you’re hurting emotionally, so those feelings are converted into physical sensations. For example:

"In my last binge, I ate so much that my stomach hurt."

“I haven’t eaten all day, but I kind of like that pain.”

"Just thinking about dating gives me a headache."

"My heart is beating so fast. I wish I could calm down."

Food cravings can also reflect an unmet need. If you are unsatisfied in your life, and crave the “sweetness” of connection, comfort, or satisfaction, you may talk about it in terms of food, rather than emotional needs.

“I’m in the mood for ice cream.”

“I can’t get enough candy.”

Being physically empty may be a way of denying needs.

“I like purging. I like the feeling of being empty.”

“I like being really hungry. It feels clean.”

It's important to translate your “body language” into emotional needs, wants or conflicts.

What emotional pain are you in right now? What, or who, is hurting your feelings?

What, or who, is making you ache with sadness, anger, fear, or anxiety.

What does it mean to be empty? Clean? What needs and wants are you turning away from? Do emotions register as dirty or messy?

What kind of sweetness do you need in your life?

By identifying the pain, aches, anxieties and other conflicts, and then working through allowing yourself to process and "feel" those emotions, you may not to, or from, food to express your inner world. Verbal language, as opposed to body language, is the key that unlocks the door to freedom from disordered eating.

The Present

2011-12-24T10:25:00.000-08:00

The Present

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift.

That’s why they call it the present.”

Think of a vivid memory from the past. How did it impact you? What have you learned about yourself since then? How have you changed?

Imagine your future. What would you like to happen in the next week, month, year, five years, or decade?

Now, think of today. What do you appreciate about yourself, in the here and now? What qualities are likeable? Lovable? Interesting? Are you a good friend? Talented? Funny? Tenacious? Smart? Compassionate? Spirited? Helpful? Adventurous? Reliable? Patient? Loving? Describe the qualities about yourself that you like.

These are the qualities that define you, not the number on the scale.

Remembering this is a present you can give to yourself daily.

National Binge Day

2011-11-24T15:27:00.001-08:00

THANKSGIVING

The media celebrates Thanksgiving as the beginning of holiday season. Commercials and advertisements make it seem as if every family in the world is happy, loving, close (and white), gathering over a table loaded with turkey and all the trimmings, grateful for their wonderful lives. For many people, this scenario is a fantasy, not a reality.

Additionally, Thanksgiving (otherwise known as “National Binge Day”) is a time when people are expected to eat until they are in a stupor, and it’s even considered bad manners not to taste everything. For those who struggle with disordered eating, this can be extremely challenging.

Often, people think they are triggered by food when they are really triggered by an emotional need. If you find yourself thinking about mashed potatoes or stuffing, perhaps you are lonely and seeking to fill an internal emptiness. If you are drawn to pumpkin pie and other sweets, maybe you need more comfort and sweetness in your life. If you find yourself turning against food, it’s possible that you are trying to deny your needs – for connection, love, friendship, even food.

QUESTIONS:

What is the most difficult part of Thanksgiving? Food? Family? Lack of family?

What do you like about the holiday season?

What helps during this time?

What doesn’t help?

What are the emotional triggers?

Don't "should" on yourself

2011-10-18T09:04:00.000-07:00

Definition: To express obligation or duty; also used to express expectation, conditionality.

The way we speak to ourselves can directly influence the way we feel, which in turn can impact behavior. If you feel terrible about yourself, you might turn to (or from) food to comfort, soothe, or distract from the intolerable feeling.

When you relate to yourself in a kinder way, you will feel better and therefore need to turn to disordered eating as a way of coping.

How many times have you told yourself:

I should not do that.

I should not have eaten that.

I shouldn’t eat that.

I shouldn’t want that.

I should be better at this.

I should get a better job.

I should have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Even if you say, “I should be happy” it implies that you’re not as happy as you could be.

Often we speak to ourselves in second person, as if someone else is talking to us:

You shouldn’t have eaten that.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You shouldn’t want that..

You should do better.

Whose voice does that sound like? Is it familiar?

The word “should” can cause us to direct anxiety, sadness, anger, and distress towards ourselves. Those feelings may be so powerful that we use disordered eating to cope.

Instead of “I/you should not do that” ask yourself: What do I want? What am I feeling? What’s going on with me right now?

Be interested in your thoughts/emotions rather than judgmental!

Graphic by Talia Ellis, www.ellistic.net

Are you empty inside?

2011-10-09T16:53:00.000-07:00

How many times have you turned to food when you feel restless or bored?

BOREDOM is about wanting to do something. The way to alleviate boredom is to do an activity and be active and productive. However, over-reliance on busyness and productivity can be unhelpful if it keeps you from connecting with your thoughts and feelings.

LONELINESS is about wanting to be with someone. The solution to loneliness is to be with another person or people and feel connected.

EMPTINESS is about disconnecting from yourself, from what you are experiencing inside.

Sometimes people feel bored when they are really lonely or feeling cut off from themselves. This can register as emptiness or even manifest as physical hunger. When you are lonely, you might fill up on food as a way of filling the emptiness inside.

People struggling with bulimia then might purge the food as a way of getting rid of their need for others, or for connection.

Those struggling with anorexia might deny food as a way of denying their need for other people.

Shopping and buying a lot of things is also a strategy to deal with this loneliness and emptiness, as is keeping busy.

Some questions to keep in mind:

Do you turn to food instead of to people?

What experiences have made you afraid to seek out or trust people?

Does thinking about food give you something to “do” and distract you from your internal world?

What would be most fulfilling to you right now?

When you’re alone, what feelings are most uncomfortable?

How did you deal with these feelings as a child?

How did your family manage being busy or being alone or being reflective?

Starving for love?

2011-08-22T15:41:00.000-07:00

Disordered eating can be an expression of an internal conflict about needs. We all have basic human needs for love, attention, comfort, and so forth. If those needs are not met, or not consistently met, people feel humiliated about having needs. That’s when “needs” are seen as “neediness” and experienced as something negative, to be avoided.

Those struggling with anorexia resolve this conflict by restricting food, and often relationships. The unconscious thought is: “I don’t need anything, not food and not friends.”

Men and women dealing with binge eating resolve this conflict by attaching all their needs to food. They unconsciously believe: “People can’t be trusted to meet my needs consistently so I will have a relationship with food, which is always available, always consistent and fills up my internal emptiness.”

People struggling with bulimia combine the two strategies by expressing their needs by binging, and then purging their perceived neediness. Their unconscious thought: “I need so much, so I will binge. But I hate that I have needs, so I will purge!”

What do you need more of in your life?

In what areas of your life do you feel deprive?

What’s it like to think about your own needs and wants?

When you change your relationship to yourself, your relationship to food will change, too!

Crying Is Okay Here

2011-08-10T16:58:00.000-07:00

Recently Sloane (not her real name) arrived late to our session. Before our meeting she had an appointment with a realtor, who got a flat tire and was over thirty minutes late to their meeting, which in turn made her late.

“I’m so, so sorry,” she apologized. “I wouldn’t blame you if you were upset. It’s rude and disrespectful for me to be this late.”

I wondered if she was upset at the realtor who kept her waiting.

“Not at all,” she shrugged. “It’s not his fault that he had a flat tire. I don’t have the right to be upset. I can’t be mad if there’s a good reason for what happened.”

Although she expected me to be upset that she was late - also for circumstances outside her control - she could not give herself the same right.

“You know what really upsets me? The bagel I ate for breakfast. Disgusting!” She went on to criticize her weight, her lack of control and various other perceived deficiencies.

Sloane did not give herself the right to be angry that she’d been kept waiting, whatever the circumstances, and instead expressed that anger and frustration by turning on herself and finding fault with her body and life choices.

She denied her anger, and then took it out on herself.

Feelings are not rational. Emotions are outside the purview of logic. If you deny and dismiss your feelings towards people, it is likely that you will turn on yourself instead. You may eat to express the feelings via the action of eating (ie, expressing anger by eating something crunchy like chips, an apple, pretzels), use food to comfort yourself (ie, ice cream, cookies, to soothe yourself) or redirect the feelings by attacking your body and yourself, as in the example above.

Here are some other ways people dismiss or deny their feelings:

“I’m mad at the situation, not the person”

“I shouldn’t feel that way. “

“It’s wrong to be angry” or “It’s not nice to be upset”

“I don’t want to be an angry (depressed/anxious/) person.”

“So what if that bothered me? Other people have it a lot worse!”

Do any of these statements sound familiar? If so, give yourself the right to feel what you feel.

Feelings aren’t a reflection of your character or personality. They are reactions to situations.

Your feelings need your attention, not your condemnation!

(Don't) Eat your feelings!

2011-08-02T17:57:00.000-07:00

Recently I sat at a local park and watched two toddlers playing in a sandbox, scooping sand into a pail. One of them suddenly ran off with a shovel. The other burst into tears.

Her anxious mother ran up, saying, “Don’t cry, don’t cry, it’s okay.”

The little girl continued to bawl.

Her mother hurriedly reached into her bag and pulled out a box of animal crackers. “Here,” she said, shoving the cookie towards her daughter, “Have a cookie.”

In that moment the girl learned her feelings upset others and she either shouldn’t have them or show them, but if she absolutely can't stop the feelings, a cookie will resolve the problem.

As I watched and listen to this exchange, I realized it replicated the internal process of disordered eating. Sometimes when people start to feel something - anger, sadness, hurt, resentment, and so forth -a part of them resists the feeling, as if saying, "Don't feel that! It's too uncomfortable! I can't deal!" And that's when people might turn to food to cope or distract, or start attacking themselves or their bodies in some other way.

Other possible responses to this situation:

A dismissive parent might not notice that the girl was crying or might glance over and say, “You’re okay. It’s not the end of the world.” The girl learns her feelings are of no interest to others.

An angry parent might snap, “Stop crying, already!” The girl learns her feelings upset and irritate others.

A supportive parent might say, “Of course you’re upset, it’s okay to cry it out. Your feelings are hurt.”

The girl learns that her feelings are worthy of her attention and that it's okay to express them.

How do you soothe yourself when you’re upset?

Where did you learn to relate to yourself this way?

A note on mothers (and fathers): I believe parents usually do their best, given their circumstances and their upbringing, but sometimes their "best" can be harmful to their children. It's not helpful to blame parents, because that can keep people in a victim stance (ie, "It's their fault I'm this way!"). Explaining why one feels or reacts in certain ways can be healing, as it helps people understand why they react to themselves the way they do and facilitates change by opening up space to consider a different response and leads to empowerment (ie, "I understand that my upbringing impacted me in a particular way, but now that I get it, I can work to change it.")

Carmageddon

2011-07-13T15:27:00.001-07:00

What if you believed all drivers in Los Angeles are rude? You’d drive a stretch of freeway and encounter drivers who cut you off, flip you off, or are too busy texting to notice they’ve veered into your lane. In other words, you’d be right about L.A. drivers. The worst!

But what if you believed L.A. drivers are nice? You’d drive the same stretch of freeway and encounter drivers who slow to let you into their lane, give a friendly wave, and drive safely. In other words, you’d be right about L.A. drivers. The best!

So which is the truth? The answer is: both.

Generally people find the evidence they look for, filtering out what contradicts their viewpoints and focusing on that which confirms their beliefs. This is also true of the ideas people have about themselves, their likeability or lovability.

What negative beliefs do you hold about yourself?

ie, “That guy I met at a party last week didn’t call me. I must not be pretty or thin enough.”

What actual evidence do you have to support these ideas?

“When I was thinner, I had a boyfriend. “ (this is not evidence; it’s selective interpretation)

What about alternate evidence?

“I weighed the most in college, and I had the nicest boyfriend at that time. We had a lot in common and we had fun together. I guess it isn’t all about my weight.”

Where did these beliefs come from?

“My older sister is gorgeous and she always had guys calling. I grew up thinking that I had to look a certain way to be acceptable to others."

What’s an alternate notion you can hold about yourself?

“I’m caring, loyal and fun. I don’t have to look perfect to be likeable and lovable!"

This weekend in Los Angeles the 405 freeway is closing for repairs and improvements. People are calling it "Carmageddon." Wherever you live, why not take this time to make internal repairs to outdated and erroneous ideas you have about yourself and your self worth. Pave them over with new beliefs, to make the road of life easier to travel.

When you feel good about yourself, when you value yourself and stay interested in your thoughts, emotions, needs, and wants, you are less inclined to turn to or against food as a way to deal with uncomfortable situations, emotions and internal conflicts.

People, please!!

2011-06-19T11:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday some group members in my weekly ANAD group brought up the role that media has in creating body dissatisfaction and obsession in girls and women. From what I understand, advertisement in magazines can be extremely misleading, with many (most?) celebrities and models airbrushed and photo-shopped into shapes and forms not known to actual humans. Today I looked at this week's People magazine and saw the following:

Page 72: Jordin Sparks on "How I lost 30 lbs." See her new, sexier silhouette! Now that she's lost weight, she's sexier than ever!
Page 77: Bikini confessions: Stars pose in bikinis and talk about their bodies. Paris Hilton was accused of looking pregnant when she weighed 125. Boo hoo.
Page 82: Bikinis at every age: 22 celebrities in bikinis, ages 20 - 53.
Page 85: No shirt required: a bunch of hot hunky guys without their shirts, looking very buff and probably making lots guys feel insecure about their lack of six pack ripped abs.
Page 92: Real bodies, real sizes: more celebrities in bikinis! And they're all different sizes. My goodness, alert the media. Oh wait, People is the media. For shame!
Page 99: Looking half their age: 4 stars in their 40s in... yep, more bikinis.
Page 106: 20 Beach Ready Tips: featuring Bethany Frankel in a... you guessed it, a bikini.
Page 108: Hoda's sizes revealed!: Um.... raise your hand if you care.
Page 110: Most buzzed about body parts: guys and girls reduced to parts, from Pippa's bum to Charlie Sheen's ripped torso (is it just me who thinks he looks more like a heroin addict than a hottie?) to Cameron's biceps.

In other words, almost half this magazine was dedicated to objectifiying people as bodies. These images and concepts are saturating us, reducing people to mere bodies, equating thinness with sexiness. If an alien landed on our planet and read this magazine, he or she or it would believe that bodies alone make people interesting, acceptable, and famous.

I don't have anything against looking good (whatever that means) and being healthy. I like to think I can rock a bikini, but how I look in swimwear doesn't define me or my life. It's appalling to see people reduced to body parts, when we as humans have so much to offer in terms of creativity, humanity, intelligence, love, generosity, and spirit.

Ever watch movies from the 1940s? In those days, movie star women were women. Sure, they had curves and killer looks - and also quick wit, fierce intelligence and humor. Nowadays, there aren't many women in movies (or magazines). They are all supposed to look at act like teenage girls until the age of 60+, when they can play serious but not sexy roles as congresswomen, lawyers and the like.

The media is objectifying people and infantalizing women. Enough, already!

Give Sadness A Voice

2011-06-12T13:10:00.001-07:00

My friend Brian is mad at his dead father. A year ago, Brian's dad drank a few too many beers at a football game and drove home. On the way home, he lost control of his car, careened off the freeway and crashed into a wall. He died on impact.
"What was he thinking?" Brian asked, rhetorically. "He knew better than to drink and drive. I still can't believe he was that stupid."
Brian loved his father and had a great relationship with him. He is stuck in anger, unable to get in touch with any feelings of sadness over the loss. It's not uncommon for people (especially guys) to unconsciously use anger as a way of warding off other emotions. Anger can mask underlying feelings of grief and sadness. Anger is an active emotion. Sadness is more of a passive state, and it can be difficult for some people to tolerate.

How does this relate to disordered eating? Many people turn to or from food as a way of managing something uncomfortable or intolerable inside. If you can identify and process your feelings, you may not turn to or from food as way of comforting, distracting, numbing or expressing those emotions.

GIVE SADNESS A VOICE: Note that the intensity of the feelings escalates with each sentence, so that the first is relatively benign and the last is quite intense.

1. I’m feeling down: (because/when/that):
ie, “I’m feeling down because I got a bad review at my job”

2. I’m gloomy:

3. I’m glum:

4. I’m unhappy:

5. I’m hurt:

6. I’m sad:

7. I’m dejected:

8. I’m depressed:

9. I’m grief-stricken:

10. I’m despondent:

Remember, there's only one way to get rid of feelings: by FEELING them!
However difficult or painful the feeling, it will eventually pass.

Give Anger A Voice

2011-06-08T12:29:00.000-07:00

Shelby* lay on my couch and grabbed at her midsection. "Look at this," she said, her voice filled with a violent disgust. "I hate myself. I really HATE my body."
"I can see you're really angry," I told her.
"Yeah, I'm mad that I let myself go like this." She jabbed a finger into her stomach, grimacing.
I asked Shelby to imagine she couldn't be mad at herself or anything to do with her weight or calories. What would she be mad about? Who might she be mad at?
Shelby gave it some thought. After a few moments she sighed, her arms falling to the side, and her self-directed disgust also seemed to fall away. She began telling me about her husband, who made work more important than their relationship. He had an affair with a co-worker the previous year.
Shelby turned the anger she felt towards her husband on herself, attacking herself instead of him. She could change herself, she reasoned, but she could not control her husband. "It is what it is," she finally said. "I can't change him, so what's the point of staying mad at him?"
I suggested that her feelings were there no matter what, and that they needed her attention. Instead of taking her anger out on herself, she needed to express it.
"How?" asked Shelby. "How do I do that?"

It's a good question, and one I hear a lot. Shelby had grown up in a family in which anger was not expressed at all. Her feelings were labeled "dramatic" and "ridiculous" and she was accused of being "over sensitive" whenever she voiced any upset feelings. As a result, Shelby learned to hide her emotions from others, yet she also began taking them out on herself.
The following is designed to help give expression to anger. The first sentence is a relatively mild expression along the anger continuum, and the tenth sentence is an intense expression. Finish the sentences, and give voice to your anger.

GIVE ANGER A VOICE
(but don’t turn it on yourself)

1. I’m exasperated (because/when/that):
ie, “I’m exasperated when I ask my kids to clean up after themselves and they never do it.”

2. I’m aggravated:

3. I’m frustrated:

4. I’m annoyed:

5. I’m irritated:

6. I resent:

7. I’m angry:

8. I’m furious:

9. I’m incensed:

10. I’m enraged:

*Names and situations do not reflect the identities and experiences of actual clients

Baby yourself

2011-05-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how attentive new mothers are to their babies? Recently my friend Heather came over with her new daughter, Sasha. The baby began to cry and Heather tried to figure out what was wrong. Was Sasha tired? Hungry? In need of a diaper change? Did she just need to be held?

Sasha was crying because she needed comfort. As I watched my friend hold and rock her child, I reflected how nice it would be if all people treated themselves with the same amount of interest and concern that they show for babies. People who struggle with disordered eating often are hostile to their most basic needs, whether for food, sleep, love, connection, or comfort.

Some mothers are not as attuned to their kids as Heather is, and they use food to meet every need. If the baby cries, she gets nursed or is given a bottle. The baby may be tired, hungry, wet or just cranky, but the response is the same: she gets fed.

Imagine a baby's perspective. The baby is tired and needs a nap, so she cries (because that's how babies communicate!). Mom comes over right away, but instead of putting the baby down for a soothing rest, she provides a bottle. The baby learns that her need for rest will be resolved with food. She may even start to confuse her need for rest with hunger. If this happens repeatedly, the baby can even start feeling hungry whens she's tired.

Do you recognize and meet your needs for soothing, for connection, rest, and so forth? Or are you hostile to those needs, angry at "giving in" to hunger or using food to comfort and distract from difficult, upsetting feelings?

What can you do differently to "baby" yourself? Recognizing and validating your needs is an important first step.

What do you need more of in your life? Connection? Recognition? Love? Time? Rest?

Your needs and wants require validation and attention, not condemnation.

Baby yourself, today and every day!

Ladder of Life

2011-05-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

Think about life as a metaphorical ladder.    Are you scrambling to get to the next rung, always trying to get somewhere, to achieve something?

"When I lose weight, then I'll start dating."
"When I'm a size zero, I'll be perfect."
"When I finish grad school, my life will be great."
"When I get a new job, then I'll be happy."
"When I get a promotion, I'll feel good about myself."

Goals are great - but if you're always looking to the future, you're never really in the present. If what you want is always in the future, you never have what you want. Deprivation leads to emptiness, and people who feel empty may turn to food (or away from food) as a way of comforting, soothing, or distracting themselves.

As with so many things, balance is the key. So, imagine standing on that ladder:

Look down the rungs and think about where you started, how far you've come. Think about the experiences you've had since you started this climb, of the personal growth and change that's brought you to this rung of your ladder. Take a moment to appreciate this progress, whether it's progress in recovery from disordered eating or your evolution as a person.

What were you afraid of back at the bottom rung? What's different now? How have you changed the way you face those fears or anxieties?   What do you notice about the difference between the past and the present?

Now think about the rung you're standing upon.   Look at yourself, your life, your relationships, the things about yourself and your life that you appreciate. Take in the moment... breathe... take measure of your present, both the things you like and those you don't like... hold both.

A famous quote is, "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That's why it's called the present."

What do you like about yourself? What do you appreciate about yourself and your life?

If you can balance appreciating your progress from the past, looking towards the future and what you hope to achieve, with being where you are - in the moment - you'll probably feel better. You don't need to turn to disordered eating (or other things) to cope, if you feel good.

Making peace with yourself leads to making peace with food.

Food for thought...

2011-04-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

It's nighttime. Your baby girl has colic and has been crying all night. No matter what you do - feed her, rock her, drive her around the neighborhood - she cannot be soothed. You fall asleep ten minutes before the alarm jolts you back awake. At breakfast your baby throws up all over your new dress. As you hurry to change, you notice that your dog has recently peed on the white carpet in the living room that has miraculously (until now) stayed clean.

On your way to work, a pebble flies up off the freeway and smashes through your windshield.   When you finally get to work, your boss yells at you for being late - in front of your assistant (the one who wants your job).

Bad day, right? Really bad day. This day actually happened to a friend of mine, Aimee, who told me about it over dinner a few weeks later.

"Wow," I said, feeling for her. "What a terrible day."

She shrugged. "It could be worse," she said. "I mean, one of my girlfriends went through five rounds of IVFs. She'd give anything to be sleep deprived with baby puke all over her.

Aimee went on to say the broken windshield wasn't a big deal in the scheme of things. People in the Midwest have tornadoes destroying their cars and homes and lives. She noted that she was lucky to have a job, given this economy, so she can't get too mad at her boss.

"Other people have it so much worse," she said. "I have no right to complain."

Um.... really?

It's one thing to have a positive attitude. It's another to deny how the vicissitudes of life can impact you. Aimee minimized (if not outright rejected) her exhaustion, exasperation, frustration, and humiliation.

We all could theoretically have it worse. The key is to hold onto gratitude for the blessings and goodness in our lives without denying our other experiences. When we deny the difficult, upsetting, painful things in life, we deny our truth - and those feelings often get expressed in other ways, such as by turning to or against food.   We may use food to distract, numb, comfort or attack ourselves, and never express the original pain or upset.

As we ate dessert, Aimee said, "You know what really upsets me? I have no willpower. Here I am stuffing stuffing my face, even though I'm the heaviest I've ever been. That's my real problem."

She did not give herself the right to be upset about her bad day, and instead expressed her frustration by turning on herself, finding fault with herself for eating dessert and attacking the size of her body.

Here are some other ways people dismiss or deny their feelings:

"I'm mad at the situation, not the person."
"I shouldn't feel that way."
"If I'm upset, that makes me a negative person."

Do any of those sound familiar?   If so, give yourself the right to feel what you feel. Feelings aren't a reflection of your character or personality. They are reactions to situations. They don't disappear just because you don't want to acknowledge or feel them. They only go away when you feel them.

Your feelings need your attention, not your condemnation!

How are you deprived?

2011-04-04T09:23:00.000-07:00

If you ever saw the movie (or read the book) Oliver Twist, one of the most memorable scenes is when young Oliver bravely steps forward to make his meek request, "Please sir, I want some more."

Our hearts go out to Oliver, who clearly, desperately needs more food, and clearly, completely deserves to have more. But what of your own needs and hungers? How do you respond to them?

People’s relationship to food can be an expression of what is going on in their lives. Many expressions utilize food metaphors to describe a feeling of yearning. Hungry for love. Starving for attention.

•    Loneliness can feel like emptiness, and food symbolically fills the void.
•    If you feel sad and in need of comfort but nobody is there to console you adequately, you may turn to food to provide a feeling of comfort.
•    If you’re in an unsatisfying relationship, you might turn to food to satisfy your unmet needs. Alternately, you might restrict food to express the deprivation.
•    If you’re in a situation you can’t control, you may focus on your powerlessness over food instead of feeling powerless in the situation. Or you might restrict food to give yourself a sense of control.

WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE OF IN YOUR LIFE?

Do you have enough friends?
Do you want more loving, nurturing, comforting people in your life?
Do you need more power over aspects of your life?
Do you need more money?
More happiness?
More time?

By getting in touch with what you want more of in your life, you may stop turning to food to
express emotional hunger and other needs.

Breaking up is hard to do

2011-03-28T09:06:00.000-07:00

The following dramatization is based on the therapeutic technique of voice dialogue, with acknowledgment to Jenni Schaefer & Thom Rutledge and Daphne du Maurier (there's a juxtaposition of authors you don't see every day!) for their inspiration.

          Jessica takes a deep breath, filled with resolve. She blurts, "I'm breaking up with you."
          Twenty sighs, raising a skeptical brow. "Again?"
          Jessica tightens. "You need to go, and the sooner the better."
          Twenty laughs. "You want to get rid of me? After all I do for you, you want me to just disappear?"
          "What you do is make me miserable. I'll be so much happier without you."
          Twenty stops laughing and grows serious. "You honestly think life's going to be better when I'm not around? Think you'll get a boyfriend, do fun things, make more friends, wear nicer clothes, maybe even get a new job?"
          Jessica thinks about how much more confident she'll feel without the extra twenty pounds that weigh down her body and her life. She gives an emphatic nod.
          Twenty leans in, voice lowering. "What happens when I'm gone and none of those good things happen?   What if you're still miserable and you don't have me around to blame everything on?   You won't be able to say, "He'd like me if I was just skinny."   You'll have to face the possibility that it's not your looks people don't like, it's you."
          "There's nothing wrong with me." Jessica asserts, but her voice falters. "You're the problem."
          "You just don't get it, Jessica. I'm your best friend. I keep you safe and protected."
          Twenty moves closer, holding her gaze. "If you think you're too fat to go out with a guy, you won't go out with anyone. And if you won't go out, your heart won't ever get broken. I keep you from taking risks and getting hurt."
           Jessica feels her resolve slipping away.   She shakes her head.
          Twenty says, "I'll never leave you, Jessica."
          "No," Jessica turns away from the mirror. She hurries to the kitchen, opens the freezer door and stares inside. Her eyes land on a carton of ice cream.
          She hears Twenty's voice, speaking softly, comfortingly. "Go on, have some. You'll feel better. It's easy, isn't it? Why don't you? Why don't you? Go on. Go on."
          Jessica stares into the freezer.   She hesitates.

You could easily replace "Twenty" with "Ed" (as Jenni does in her book) or with bulimia, anorexia, binge eating, and so forth.   The point is that whatever you are struggling with is usually there for a purpose, to protect you in some way. An eating disorder is a friend as well as an enemy.

In Daphne Du Maurier's book "Rebecca" (and in the movie) Mrs. Danvers urges the main character not toward an open fridge, but an open window, telling her it'll all be easier if she just takes a (literal) leap.

What do you think Jessica will do next? How can she talk back to Twenty? How can she comfort and support herself?

How can you do the same?

Feel the magic!

2011-03-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

I have a magic wand in my office. If only it worked the way Harry Potter's does in books and movies! If it had actual powers, I'd wave it over people and magically heal their relationships to themselves. I'd instantly create self-acceptance to replace self-criticism and help people process feelings instead of turning on themselves, using food/weight as a weapon.

Alas, the magic wand doesn't work that way. But here's the good news: people have the power to change, to identify patterns and destructive attitudes and to react and act differently. We have our own magic within us. We can heal ourselves with a combination of insight, hope, tenacity, reflection, courage, and more.

Eating disorder behavior and thoughts often serve to distract from deeper fears and conflicts. When you can work through these concerns, you may no longer need the eating disorder to cope with the uncomfortable/unbearable feelings that arise from them. Imagine if in a wave of a magic wand, all thoughts of food, weight, calories, fat grams, or anything connected to disordered eating are completely blocked. If these concerns no longer occupied your mind, what would you think about?

Fear of abandonment: concern that others will leave you and that you’ll be alone. Is this a familiar concern? If so, what comes to mind?

Fear of rejection: concern that other people will judge you and won’t like you. When is the first time you remember feeling this way?

Fear of punishment: Fear that you’ll get in trouble or be punished in some way. Do you feel this way a lot?

Guilt: Feelings of guilt or fear that you’re going to feel guilty in the future. Often this guilt leads to anxiety, which is felt as one of the above fears. For example, “If I do something wrong, then others are going to react by either abandoning, rejecting or punishing me."

Addressing the underlying fear and working through it, what it is and where it came from (easier said than done!!) can help you be less worried about these issues. And when you're not as worried, you may not turn to or from food to cope.

Got guilt?

2011-03-13T13:38:00.000-07:00

My friend Amanda and I met for a yoga class recently.    "Great class," I said afterwards, as we walked to our cars.

"It was," she agreed. "But I feel so guilty for leaving Jon with the kids. Here I'm at yoga having fun and he's giving the twins a bath. I feel so selfish."

Guilt involves a painful feeling of self-reproach or criticism based on the belief that you’ve done something wrong. There are different types of guilt:

Self-guilt: the guilt you feel as a result of actually being or existing in the world, for having any needs. The sense is that by needing anything – food, nurturing, comfort, security, love – you are exposing a deficiency in yourself, that it is fundamentally wrong to have needs. This often involves a sense that your needs/wants will be burdensome to others. You go out of your way to put the needs of others before your own.

“I shouldn’t be so hungry/tired.”
“I’ll go to whatever movie/restaurant/vacation you prefer. It makes no difference to me where we go.”
“Sure, I’ll babysit for you tomorrow night. It’s not a problem to cancel my plans.”

Depletion guilt: the guilt you feel when you think that by meeting your needs, you are doing so at the expense of someone else. This involves a sense that if you do something for yourself or meet your own needs, you are taking something away from others, depleting them in some way.   In my friend Amanda's case, by going to yoga she perceived that she was burdening her husband with childcare duties (otherwise known as fatherhood, ahem). Some other examples:

“If I leave my husband, he’ll be miserable. I can’t do that to him.”
“I’m turning down that great job in Chicago. My mom was so upset when my sister moved to New York, I’ll stay in L.A. no matter what.”
“I want to be an artist but my parents will be so disappointed if I didn’t go to law school. They’ve been counting on me to join the family law firm since I was born.”

QUESTIONS:

What is it like to ask for what you need or want?

How do you react to compliments, gifts or attention?

Do you often feel as if you’re taking too much (of anything)?

Are you more comfortable being a “therapist” to your friends than talking about yourself?

Change ahead...

2011-03-04T08:21:00.000-08:00

"Things do not change; we change." -Henry David Thoreau

"It's been three months and I'm still bingeing," said a client (call her Danielle*) recently. "Why haven't I gotten better?"

Danielle has been turning to food since childhood, about two decades. She's been in treatment for three months. She's in therapy twice a week, which equals about 24 total hours invested in recovery so far. Two decades cannot be undone by what is in effect one cumulative day of therapy (are you listening, insurance companies?).

If you don't feel as if you're recovering from disordered eating quickly enough, remember that it took time to develop this way of turning to or from food to deal with internal conflicts. It will take more than a few months to create a different relationship to yourself. As you tear down one structure, you are building another; it takes time to deconstruct one model of being in the world and to construct another.

It's also important to consider other ways of valuing progress. Although Danielle is still bingeing, she has made significant changes in other ways. When she first came to my office, Danielle was emotionally shut off and very intellectual in her approach to the world. Three months later she is able to recognize her feelings, see patterns in the way she relates to people, and notices that she turns to food when she feels uncomfortable.

When you think about change and recovery, think about what you're adding to your life (insight, interest in yourself), not just about the pounds you want to lose or gain. Those are the building blocks on which recovery is built!

*Danielle is not a real person but an amalgamation of many

Being vs. Doing

2011-03-02T12:03:00.000-08:00

We’re human beings, not human doings!

Our society values productivity and accomplishment. If you grow up in a family (and a culture) that is primarily or solely interested in what you are doing/accomplishing/achieving, you learn to value yourself by being productive; it becomes the basis of self-esteem.

When others express interest only in your accomplishments, you learn to value yourself only for what you have achieved. When others dismiss or devalue your feelings, you learn to do the same. Feelings become frightening and a source of anxiety. Disordered eating is a way of coping with those feelings. So is staying busy and focused on achievements.

Doing can serve as a distraction from your emotions. It can take the form of:
Working all the time
Going online all the time
Going to the gym
Running errands
Having the TV on for "company"
Going out with friends all the time to avoid being alone
Thinking about what you need to do next/making lists
Thinking about calories, fat grams, the number on the scale

Being puts you in touch with your emotions. It looks like this:
Being alone
Staying aware of thoughts and feelings
Being able to comfort and support yourself

How do you keep busy?

How did you learn to use “doing” to escape “feeling”?

What happens if you are alone with yourself?

What are you afraid you might think?

What are you afraid you might feel?

There's color in-between black and white!

2011-03-01T17:43:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to Natalie Portman on her Oscar. I found the film thought-provoking in terms of its parallels to disordered eating.

(Semi-spoiler alert - don't read if you haven't seen the movie): In addition to the character's perfectionism, which many people can relate to, I was struck by her struggle between different parts of herself and how difficult it was to integrate them. She could not hold both the sweet, dependent (white swan) part along with the feisty, independent, sexual (black swan) part of herself. It was a battle of which self would kill off the other, rather than a bringing together of disparate aspects of "self". I view the end as a symbolic soul murder; she did not actually die, but killed off the part of herself she could no longer tolerate, a girlish part that she had outgrown and wanted to get rid of, just as she got rid of her stuffed animals.

So often people struggling with disordered eating are unconsciously trying to lose the perceived bad parts of themselves by losing weight. They may by symbolically trying to get rid of uncomfortable feelings by purging food. This is only one aspect of eating disorders, but it's an aspect I thought the film captured well.

Self-acceptance suggests that we accept all parts of ourselves - the aspects we like, as well as those we don't like. We all have a black swan part of ourselves, as well as a white swan part (and hopefully a rainbow of parts between the black and white).

Accept yourself today and every day!

And a small comment about the Academy Awards. Many viewers love watching the stars parade down the red carpet. They see slender, gorgeous people dressed in beautiful - or sometimes tasteless! - gowns and tuxedos. Most of these stars spend weeks or months on diets, being botoxed, highlighted, and spanxed by an army of trainers, stylists, doctors, hairdressers, and estheticians. Keep in mind that's not what real people (and stars are real people) actually look like!

Can't stop eating? It's NOT about willpower!

2011-02-27T15:24:00.000-08:00

At a social function recently, I talked to a guy (let's call him Trevor) who kept going back to the dessert table. Trevor said his problem was willpower. If he had more willpower, he could stay away from all those desserts. If he had more willpower, he'd lose the extra pounds that he'd packed on in the last year.

His wife was across the room talking to another couple, looking animated and having fun. At one point she glanced over and saw Trevor checking out the cakes. An expression of revulsion crossed her face and she turned away. She paid little to no attention to Trevor the whole night.

I asked Trevor what was going on a year ago, before the weight gain started. He and his wife started having problems at that time. He turned to food for comfort, but the weight served an additional purpose. As painful as it was for him to think about the weight he gained and to struggle with food, it was easier to focus on the those things than to feel pain, helplessness and disappointment about the marriage.

The extra weight also gave Trevor the illusion that he could repair the relationship by losing weight. He told me, "If I could just lose the 20 pounds, I think she'd like me again."

The real problem was the relationship, not the food. The next time you focus on what you're eating, think about what's eating you.